Tough Mom

I have been putting off writing this blog post for 24 hours now!  Why??  I know  exactly why because it makes me uncomfortable, vulnerable and open to criticism!  I am actually very self conscious about my body and even though it might not seem like it on the outside I really struggle with my post baby body!  I don’t know why vanity is so important to me and always has been.  My friends make fun of me because my hair is usually done and I always have makeup on.  I won’t even go to the grocery store without it!  If I show up without makeup you know it’s been a bad day!!!!  WHY???  Not because I am vain, it’s just something I have always done! I just feel good about myself when I am showered and my make up is on!  I just like that feeling.  Plus, I’m always ready to go at a moments notice if something fun comes up!!!!  

But back to my reason for writing this.  Yesterday was day 23 of the Insanity Max30 coach test group and I decided that I would take a picture of myself and compare it to day 1.  Now, I took my day 1 pictures and I did so with a sports bra and shorts but of course I am never ever going to reveal those pictures!  WHY?  Well here is the honest to goodness truth.  I HATE and hate is a very strong word, HATE my stomach!!!!  I have a very short torso and when I got pregnant it had no where to go but straight out.  I was literally ALL BELLY!  I also had very big babies which meant a VERY LARGE belly!  People would tease me that I was having twins and when I was 5 months pregnant they thought I was 9.  While it was all good and dandy while I was pregnant I was actually left with quite a mess afterwards.  I had horrible excess skin and stretch marks and a belly button that looked like a monster!  I am so self conscious about it that I always tuck in my shirt, wear long shirts and won’t let anyone see my stomach. I would look at my pre pregnancy pictures in a bikini and cry because it was never going back!  I tried everything!!!!  I started Insanity, I did P90X, I turned my eating around, I lost over 30 lbs and for 2 years I worked at my body to get my stomach to magically go back to the way it was!

Honestly, it wasn’t a matter of food and nutrition anymore.  I was on the low end for body fat.  I was lean and I had muscle under there it just wasn’t going to show because not only the lose skin but also the fact that I had a severe hernia and diastasis rectus which left me with a complete fist opening between my abs.  The hernia made me look like I was 3-4 months pregnant at all times. I literally would not wear tight fitting tops because I was afraid someone would see my stomach protruding out!  As crazy as it sounds in the grand scheme of life and the 2 beautiful baby boys that I have I was MAD at myself for complaining!  But at the same time I was willing to do whatever it took to make it go away!  I long to have a bikini body back where I can be confident again!  

I did end up having surgery to fix my hernia but the stretch marks are never going to go away.  It’s just something I have to own up to and deal with.  I get it!  But it still stinks! While of course it’s my badge of honor and I wear them proudly I still wish I wasn’t so self conscious about it.  

My stomach has literally not seen the light of day for over 5 years. As you are going to see from my pictures below and the purse PASTINESS of my stomach!  No one I mean no one but my doctor and husband has really seen it!  I also hate my belly button bc it just looks gross and all stretched out. 

But the reason I am telling you this is totally not for pity but to show you this!
Even after 2 babies, a surgery and lots of diet and exercise you can actually reach your health and fitness goals and have some abs!!!!! 

23 days into Insanity Max 30 and I can already see a transformation happening!  I am leaning out in my stomach which has always been my trouble area!  If I was to gain weight this for sure would be the first place to gain it!  I am skinny in the arms and legs and my stomach is my pain point!  No matter how heavy I lift it doesn’t change!  But something is different with Max30.  It’s the right combination of carbs, proteins, cardio and strength training and my body is responding AMAZINGLY!!!!!  I truly am working hard at this!  Every single day I go into my workout with that dig deeper 100% effort mentality and my goal is to truly be a success story and inspiration to others.  

I decided to take my day 23 pictures and then place them side by side to see the comparison!  I was totally and completely shocked by what I saw!  I couldn’t believe how much my body was changing.  Holy BUCKETS I think I might have some abs in there.  I never in a million years thought I would share these pictures with anyone at all.  Quite honestly it scares me to do so!  But flaws and all I want you to know this, you can change your health and your fitness by every single day making the right choices!  Eat healthy, do regular exercise and never ever give up!  It won’t happen over night and it won’t happen in 3 months!  Transformations take time, effort, commitment and dedication but the feeling of settling on confidence is the BEST feeling in the world!  While I’m still afraid to show my stomach I am definitely empowered by your outpouring of positive comments and thoughts!  It’s so nice to know that I am not alone and that other women struggle with the exact same things!  You are not defeated unless you let yourself be!  So today I want you to know that you are not in this alone and that you can absolutely change your body!  I’m here cheering you on every single step of the way!!!! You got this!!!!!  

Insanity Max30 Day 1 to Day 23

Our family now!  Worth all the pain and struggle!